Note: This page is meant as a joke. I do not represent the New York City Transit Authority

New York City Transit Authority

370 Jay Street

Brooklyn, NY 11201

To all NYCTA employees:

This letter is in reference to the new SLOAPP program. (Shorten the LIFE OF A Passenger Program) Pronounced Slope, this program is intended to make the experience of riding our trains even more annoying.

Some of you have asked for details on this new program. Under the program's guidelines, there will be some changes in service. These changes will be geared towards making the commute much more difficult.

Below are a list of some of the new NYCTA rules which all conductors and Moterpersons must adhere to.

  1. All conductors are hereby required to cause missed connections. What this means is that conductors are required to close their doors IMMEDIATELY if a connection to another train seems possible. Example: A southbound number 2 train enters 42nd Street. Upon opening the doors, the conductor notices a southbound number 1 train pulling into the station. The moment the doors on the 1 train open, the conductor should close his door immediately. It is helpful if he can do this as the passengers approach his train, thereby slamming the doors in their faces. If the passengers use vulgarity that causes nearby churches to crumble to the ground, the conductor knows he has successfully implemented the SLOAPP program.
  2. No conductor should announce stops clearly. All terminals will now hand out 35 sticks of gum to each conductor before he begins his shift. You should try to chew as many pieces, simultaneously, as you can. Also, if you don’t like gum, speak as close to the microphone as possible. Get a tetanus shot so you can put your tongue right on the metal.
  3. DO NOT ANNOUNCE TRANSFERS! All conductors are hereby forbidden to announce transfers. This helps in creating overcrowding in large stations for idiot passengers who cannot read a subway map. The goal of this portion of SLOAPP is to make the stations as unpleasant as possible.
  4. Should a passenger approach you with a question, put on your dumbest, most ignorant face and shrug. You should do this even if the passenger asks, "What train is this?"
  5. If your train is to be rerouted, do not announce this until after the doors have closed, and it is too late for passengers to get off. Example: A northbound number 5 train at 149th Street and 3rd Avenue, is to run express at 1 o’clock in the afternoon. You should announce this AFTER the doors close and the train begins to move.
  6. If a train is late and is very crowded, you should tell passengers there is another train right behind you. Even if you are at 42nd Street and the next train is at East 180th in the Bronx, you should still say this. It also helps if you are a 2 train and the train behind you is a 5. We didn’t say you had to tell passenger WHICH train was right behind you.

This next section is for the motormen.

  1. Try to make your train move as slowly as possible. Even if you have green lights for the next 10 miles, take it slow. Our goal is to keep passengers from getting to work on time.
  2. Take all curves at no more than one half a mile per hour. This is in direct relation to the above.
  3. If you see any passengers getting on with beverages, try to brake suddenly as much as possible. This is especially helpful during rush hour when people are dressed really nice and have hot coffee.

For dispatchers.

  1. Try to space trains as unevenly as possible. For example, make a 2 train leave 241st Street at 8:30AM. The next 2 trains should leave at 11:30AM. The next at 11:30AM and 30 seconds. This will create the nerve racking situation of passengers waiting hours for a train, riding it with 7500 people, and then seeing one right behind it after they get off at their stops.

 

Bus drivers

  1. As in the subway section, try to keep buses as unevenly spaced as possible. Never adhere to a schedule. We want to have situations where passengers wait 3 hours for a bus, and then 6 show up at once
  2. Never be polite. Be as surly and rude as possible. Never smile.
  3. If as bus is crowded, we mean to the point where people are riding on the roof, repeat 10,235 times for people to "Step Back." Also, refuse to move the bus if people are in front of the white line. If you have stab wounds at the end of the day, you will have implemented the SLOAPP program correctly and will receive an APPLE AWARD!
  4. If there is any chance you can make a light that is turning yellow, STOP. Never do anything that will get the passengers to their destination quickly.
  5. If the streets are clear, drive as slowly as possible. If there is 750 inches of snow, drive at 130 miles per hour.
  6. GET A FRIEND TO TALK TO YOU AND BLOCK THE EXIT! The TA is now hiring people to pretend to be your friend and talk to you while standing. All these people will weigh 790 pounds and have VERY annoying voices.
  7. Change you shift in the middle of the route. Then, spend 4 hours talking to your relief. Passengers LOVE this.
  8. Even if you know your wheelchair lift is broken, spend 15 minutes trying to get someone on the bus.

Note: To all passengers:

You can help shorten the lives of your fellow passengers, too! Join the SLOAPP program! You will be given a special pin to where, which will tell our employees to make you exempt from the above treatment. Here are a few things you can do to cause heart attacks and strokes on buses and trains.

  1. We are now hiring homeless people. To qualify, you must not have bathed for at least 4 years. Ride on a subway train. That’s all you have to do. The smellier, the better.
  2. Get on a late train when everyone is tired and wants to nap, and preach about God in as loud a voice as you can. If any passengers move to another car, follow them.
  3. BLOCK THE DOORS! BLOCK THE DOORS! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BLOCK THE DOORS!!!!!!! Even if there are two people in the whole car, don’t sit. Stand by the door and don’t move even if the passenger says, "excuse me." Anyone who reports to the TA with severe injuries, stab wounds, bullet holes, etc. will be given 500 dollars in cash.
  4. Eat disgusting smelling food on trains and buses. We mean food that makes Seven-Eleven hot dogs look like Caviar.
  5. If you have a baby, the TA will purchase the biggest baby carriage it can find for you. Ride the train during rush hour. Don’t ride unless the train is very crowded. A special bonus will be given to anyone who annoys passengers enough that they kill your child.
  6. STICK THOSE LEGS OUT! Sit with you legs thrust out as far as possible. This is especially effective on blind passengers.
  7. Sell things during rush hour. Walk through the cars selling dead batteries, rotten candy, anything. This is effective because passengers LOVE someone who gets in their way selling garbage during rush hour.
  8. Get sick! If you have any condition that requires you to use a heart and lung machine for at least 22 hours a day, RIDE! When you clutch your chest and collapse, we can make the MIGHTY sick passenger announcement and delay the train for hours!
  9. To older passengers, talk. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk talk. Talk for hours. Do not get off at your stop. Just stay on and talk as loud as possible in an annoying voice.
  10. Take up more than one seat. This is great on buses. If you sit in the middle of a three-seat set, you can effectively take up three seats.

The TA thanks all its passengers and crew. We would like to have a situation where passengers who start riding at 16 years old, die at 20. Please help us keep up this effort. MTA New York City Transit. Going your way.

Sincerely,

Whoever is running the TA this week.